So I recently stumbled upon this blog of a man named David Lebovitz who moved from the United States to France. He adores France but like any foreigner, finds France's bureaucratic system IMPOSSIBLE. seriously France is a joke when it comes to customer service. it is seriously one of those things that you either have to laugh or cry about because its SOOO REDICULOUS. Did you know that in order to cancel any sort of monthly plan, such as a cellphone or cable plan, you have to send in a written letter explaining why you want to terminate your service!? And then its guaranteed that they will tell you that they never received your letter! And even if they do admit they received your letter, if they don't like your reason enough they can refuse to end your contract!? What is this!????!!!???!!!??
I have posted one of my favorite stories from his blog(I have heard millions of the same version from friends) and I also posted a satirical quiz about 28 questions to ask yourself before moving to France. If you have never lived in France you may not understand all of the questions so I added some of my own commentary for a little explanation..enjoy!!
Today, I stood in the middle of my apartment and screamed.
It’s not something I normally do. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. Being fifty, I’d say my life is roughly half over and I hope to never have to do it again during my last half. (I’m sure my neighbors would be pleased if I never did it again as well.)
I’ve been dealing with my internet provider, who also provides—or is supposed to provide, phone service.
Since signing up with them last year, my service has been hit or miss. Since the beginning of August, it’s been all miss, and I’ve been missing phone service and internet access since then. I do remember the days before we have the internet, so while it’s a major inconvenience, it’s not the end of the world. (Unless you have a blog. Then it’s pretty close.) But not having phone service for nearly ten weeks is pretty crazy.
There’s a lot of grousing about French customer service. I’ve seen the good, and I’ve seen the bad. Usually the trick is to find someone who will help you and once you do, they’ll do what they can to help. And then the service is top-notch. You just need to find that person.
So far, I haven’t found that person at my cable company. And believe me, I’ve tried.
I’ve called them repeatedly, and when I finally get someone on the line (after paying 34 cents/minute, and being on hold for 20 minutes), they tell me they can’t hear me because of a bad connection. When I yell into the phone (so they can hear me), they fail to see the irony in the fact that they’re my telephone provider. When I ask them why they can’t hear me, they fail to see the same irony in it that I do. I may have lost my mind, but at least I haven’t lost my sense of humor.
Because I was going broke paying to tell them to fix the problem that they’re causing, last month I went into the the cable company office. It’s always a mob scene, so I got there fifteen minutes before they opened at 10am. Finally, at 10:20am, someone arrived to unlock the door and let us in. And I got a highly-coveted appointment with a service person.
The technician finally came, and the first thing he said was, “There’s a problem in the secteur.” Since they’ve been telling me that for the past ten months, I figured they’d had enough time to iron out any problems in mon secteur, so I wasn’t buying it.
The technician told me that I needed a different kind of technicien, which is the local lingo for, “I don’t want to deal with this.” But did offer some advice on the way out, “I wouldn’t pay anymore.”
And the last time I was without service, when I asked for a refund on my bill, I had to send a certified letter (recommandé), to request one. They did grant it, but the price of sending that letter was greater than the refund. So I’m not exactly inclined to do it again.
So if you’re wondering where I am, I’m trying to get out of l’enferNumericable. I sent them the required certified, signature-required letter that I wanted to end my service, which they told me that they’d never received, and I needed to send it again. (the hell) of
Of course, I was holding the receipt in my hand, with their signature on it.
The funny thing is, tomorrow I’m supposed to speak to a group of newly-arrived Americans about how to cope with life in a foreign country.
I’m thinking of standing in the middle of the room, and screaming.
(Lebovitz, David, "Living the Sweet Life in Paris" L'infer de Numericable, http://www.davidlebovitz.com/2009/10/lenfer/)
1. You’re working as a guard in a museum filled with priceless treasures. The alarm in the museum has been broken for two months and thieves have stolen €500 million worth of art. Video monitors showed the entire robbery in progress but as one of the guards on patrol, like the others, you somehow missed the whole thing. Do you…
- A. Blame the mayor. (everyone does this)
- B. Blame the lock company that installed the crummy padlock which the thieves snipped off the gate, which was the only thing standing between them and one of the most exceptional collections of art in the world.
- C. Blame the anti-smoking law because you had to go outside to have a cigarette, along with all the other guards at the exact same time, and the people who came up with that law couldn’t possibly expect you to keep an eye on things.
- A. Order twenty-four more coffees because he’ll swear he doesn’t have any change.
- B. Offer to buy a round of drinks for everyone in the room.
- C. Unbutton your blouse a few notches and lean over and give ‘em a good squeeze when handing the waiter the money.
3. You’re stuck in traffic when you hear an ambulance coming up from behind. Cars start moving off to the side of the road to let the ambulance through. Do you…
- A. Move your car over to the side of the road, too, so the ambulance can pass and get quickly to the urgent medical emergency they’re going to. (of course not!)
- B. Grudgingly move your car off to the side because even though the ambulance is racing to take save someone’s life, complaining that you’re going to miss the start Star Academy. (the french are addicted to this show..its like their version of american idol)
- C. An opening in the road? What are you, crazy? Allez-y…!
- A. Block off two days on your calendar to exchange the trousers at the store for another pair.
- B. Take the pants to the local tailor and pay the €32 out of your own pocket to have it fixed.
- C. Throw them away. (i would choose this one...not worth allll that trouble!!)
5. You’re visiting Paris and it’s time for dinner, but you’re a kosher, gluten-free vegan on a no-salt, low-fat diet. Do you…
- A. Go to a restaurant and politely request that your food be served nature, without accompaniments, because of your health condition. (baaaaad idea, the french would never understand this )
- B. Go for it, because if you’re going to go, why not do it on a fabulous French meal?
- C. Spend the night in your hotel room watching CNN, and eat an apple.
- A. Move out of their way, realizing that they likely have far more important things to do than you.
- B. Aim the pointy baguette that you’re carrying at crotch level as a preemptive warning to get out of the way.
- C. Belt out a random song from Rent at full-volume so they think you’re nuts, and avoid you.
7. Unfortunately, you’ve managed to get a €100 note in your possession. Do you…
- A. Cross the city because only the branch of your bank where you opened your account can make change for you.
- B. Cross the city because only that particular branch where you opened your account can take cash deposits from you. But they’re out of change so you have to deposit it into your account, then withdraw money from the ATM so you have smaller bills. . ( i cannot tell you how many times the banks have been out of change...umm am I in the twilight zone!?)
- C. Give it to a beggar on the métro, laughing to yourself as you walk away, because now it’s his problem.
- A. Explain to them that you were just looking, but what you needed wasn’t on the shelf, and they let you go on your way.
- B. Open your mouth to prepare to be swabbed for a DNA sample.
- C. Thank God you wore clean underwear because you’re in for a strip search.
- A. Feel relieved when you find an information desk, only to find that it’s empty (always!)
- B. Feel relieved when you find an information desk, only to find that it’s manned by teenage girls who are too busy texting their friends or checking their watches in anticipation of their next cigarette break so they don’t have time to help you out. (always!)
- C. Curl up in a ball in a corner, stick your thumb in your mouth, and whimper that you want your mommy.
- A. Offer up a hands-on—or otherwise, demonstration of how to use your new toilet.
- B. Offer up a recipe and a demonstration for puff pastry.
- C. Ask what flavors of ice cream you have in your freezer today.
- D. All of the above.
11. You taste a chocolate that’s the best thing you’ve ever eaten in your life. You have friends coming to visit so you make plans to go to the chocolate shop and get more. Do you…
- A. Take 3 métros across town, only to find out that they happen to be closed that day for a Fermeture Exceptionelle.
- B. Kick yourself for not calling before you set out.
- C. Get to the shop and find out that that’s the only chocolate they don’t have in stock, because they only make them on the third Tuesday of each month, during months that end with a “y”…and only during leap years.
12. You’re at the supermarket register, and the cashier has just rung up your goods. However as you’re reaching for your wallet, in a panic, you can’t find it and fear you’ve been pickpocketed. Does she…
- A. Offer a bit of sympathy for your unfortunate predicament.
- B. Set aside your groceries for you to do a more complete search of your pants and jacket pockets.
- C. Start laughing at you.
13. You’re on a bus. Who gets priority seating?
- A. The man who lost both legs in the war.
- B. The frail, little old lady who could barely make it on the bus with those heavy bags weighing her down.
- C. The five year old kid in the Hermès jumpsuit.
- A. Right on schedule.
- B. A few days late, but they call to let you know, so you can change plans.
- C. A day before they said they the delivery would arrive, when you have movers scheduled to help, and call from the street saying they’ve just left two rooms of your furniture on the sidewalk outside.
15. You’re in the neighborhood and pass by your favorite candy and chocolate shop to say hi. The proprietress is happy to see you. Does she…
- A. Have you sample a few new chocolates, including an amazing one filled the crushed bergamot macarons.
- B. Give you a bag of organic prunes.
- C. Invite you up to her apartment to see her bedroom.
- D. All of the above.
16. Under the threat of privatization, La Poste successfully implements new measures, including a guarantee that customers will be out in five minutes, which they make good on. They also modernize a host of their other operations, for the better. Do…
- A. Your French friends complain about the changes at the post office, even when they respond affirmatively when you ask them if the service and speed are improved.
- B. You and everyone else become pleased that the country is concerned enough about its citizens to improve one of its most fundamental, universally used services.
- C. You wonder why the communists stand there and open the door for each visitor in hopes that you’ll buy one of their flyers, which is pretty much antithetical to everything that communism stands for.
- A. Got your visa at city hall approved.
- B. Set up an apartment, furnished it, and integrated into French society.
- C. Switched cable providers. (hahah as explained from the above story)
- A. No. It’s been made the same way since Egyptian times so it’s fine to eat.
- B. No. It’s part of French culinary heritage, and it wouldn’t be Christmas without it.
- C. No. Because my health food store carries it.
19. What thickness should towels be?
- A. Thick, soft, and water-absorbent.
- B. Big enough to get the job done.
- C. You should be able to read Le Monde through them(french towels are always SO THIN!)
- A. Equivalent to the cost of the item.
- B. More than the cost of the item.
- C. You don’t know because you look at the bill and you can’t even see straight when you find out there’s actually a tax on the tax, too.
- A. Realize you’ve made a big mistake, but let them clean your chimney out, and then your wallet.
- B. Knee him in the couilles and show him the way out.
- C. Realize that bad karma is a bitch when you hear him in the courtyard getting ripped a new one by the guardienne of your building.
- A. To make it harder for people to smuggle large sums of money.
- B. To thwart drug dealers.
- C. Because even that’s too much money to hand over to a beggar.
- A. Assume that there’s obviously a mistake somewhere.
- B. Call to make sure, since this is for official, important government business and you want to make sure you get it right.
- C. Scratch your head when they ask, “Well, what city are you from?”, which is akin to someone from Spain moving to America, and a resident of Madrid having to provide completely different documents than someone hailing from Barcelona.
24. You finally move and realize that the apartment you found on the internet is actually a 3 x 9-foot room, an 8th floor walkup, and the bathroom is actually in a hallway which you share with five neighbors, one of who inevitably mistakes your door for his in the middle of the night when he gets up to do his business. Do you…
- A. Call a locksmith to make sure your door is secure.
- B. Wear earplugs.
- C. Let him in. French dudes are hot.
26. Food should be served…
- A. Using the freshest ingredients, in convivial surroundings.
- B. Chopped fine, layered in tiny shot glasses (never understood why they do this!)
- C. On square plates, sprinkled with cumin.
- A. The fourteen verb tenses.
- B. The fact that you don’t pronounce the last third of words.
- C. Realizing that the French are just as confused as we are.
- A. President Nicolas Sarkozy (Um…)
- B. Past Presidential Contender François Bayrou (Er…)
- C. Pierre Hermé.
